Man From Nantucket

 

Mrs. McCarville's English classes read Alexander Pope's "The Rape of the Lock." Rick Pongratz's humorous mock epic is based on the work

 

There once was a man from Nantucket,

Who was so smart he could luck it.

He had no need of books or pens,

He was the kind that always wins.

He was a genius to say the least,

He resembled nothing of a beast.

He could sing a song and drag it along,

State anything and never be wrong.

There was however a woman of jealous mind,

Who was by no means kind.

She would squash little snails,

And cut off puppy dog tails.

Her name was Melissa,

She had killed Clarissa.

Only because Clarissa was smart,

And Melissa had no heart.

 

Genius was his name,

And loved to play games.

While at a table he won ten grand.

And all of a sudden up struck the band.

Melissa stood by and said with a grin,

"When he dies I bet he won't win!"

And so she concoted,

And in her mind it was locked.

To kill the poor man,

Who found gold in every pan.

She worked and toiled,

Her plan would not be foiled.

She would make him lose with such a cheat,

No mortal man could ever beat.

She would fix the game,

So there would be no blame.

Surely he would sooner die,

Then hear them deny

He was the greatest of all time,

What, could he be killed by such a slime?

 

The game was poker,

Played with no joker.

Only the best

Would let their bottoms rest.

Near the table,

In the stable

There were bankers and cooks,

Agents and crooks.

Only the good bluffers,

And societies' snuffers.

The evil Melissa had found a way,

To join the game in a way she could play.

 

She would be dealer,

And by no means a healer.

As she would stack the deck,

In an attempt to wreck

The genius' life,

With immeasurable strife.

They all sat about the table,

As Melissa cradled

The cards in the deck,

That would cause such a heck.

 

Melissa dealt him cards that did not match,

But she did not think that he would catch

The gleam in her eye,

That kissed him goodbye.

She was sure of victory,

But he was the trickery.

And did not fold,

As she had foretold.

The genius asked for four,

And she sunk to the core.

For she did not see his deep determination,

That led him to his new inspiration.

All the players said "Call",

And she stared like a doll to see what would come of it all.

 

The banker had a pair of Queens,

But the crook had three Kings.

The agent also had three Queens,

But slammed them down at the sight of the Kings.

The crooks took a dive

For he had but three fives.

The room became dim,

As it was now left only to him

With incredible ease,

He laid down the threes.

Then, as he stared into their faces,

He laid down his three Aces.

Melissa's plan had been foiled and she would never again mess

With the man she knew to be the best.

 

By Rick Pongratz